One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
“No way.” -Jose
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?