I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.