No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday