My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
December birthdays be like…