i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss