My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
getting groceries
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup