Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]