*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco