How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?