[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it