“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook