Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*