Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET