(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
You Might Also Like
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
when someone compliments me
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?