Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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Yup….perfect score!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.