LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
dutch is not a serious language
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey