In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.