Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Choose your fighter
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.