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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.