Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]