[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Usage Guidelines
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.