A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.