I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Smile they said.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.