My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.