someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
😂💯
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…