ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
But is it really??
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I laughed at this way too hard.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands