The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My god she’s good.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.