So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.