You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You Might Also Like
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I think I’ll stand
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
i can’t wait that long
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.