I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.