A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure