Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Incredible customer service.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords