Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Hitlers gonna hitl
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.