Warm pools make me nervous.
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me driving through Toronto
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!