My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Don’t touch that.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My guardian angel deserves a raise
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.