Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
how to have an accident 101
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”