Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.