I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.