I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.