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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
R.I.P.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’