People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.