I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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Godspeed, John Glenn
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”