Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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I am, perchance
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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