I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
You Might Also Like
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes