You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.