Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I have questions??
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.