Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.