If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The Backseat Boys
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point