NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.