Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.